Oct 1 2007Britney Spears loses her kids

An LA County Superior Court Judge has taken custody away from Britney Spears and ordered today that Kevin Federline "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court." TMZ reports:

Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline's powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver's license ... Spears took the kids to the drive-thru at Carl's Jr. at 12:02 this afternoon and surrendered the kids to K-Fed's bodyguard three minutes later.

What is the complete opposite of shocking? Because that's what this is. The biggest surprise here is that Kevin Federline is getting the kids. I figured the judge would've come to his senses and awarded custody to a hungry shark. Or this blender I found in the garbage. I guess the jump up in parenting would've been too big a shock for the kids.

Oct 1 2007Christina Aguilera has prominent mammaries

Christina Aguilera was spotted in Hollywood heading to lunch with a sasquatch her husband Jordan. You can definitely tell she’s pregnant by her massive breasts shining glow. Her lower back must be killing her because of those gargantuan boobs heels. She should see me in a shady hotel a chiropractor. I just want Christina to be healthy and provide her baby with lots of love. Because she’s got the breast milk covered. I mean, seriously, astronauts in space have boners right now. Ah, the circle of life.

A ton more of Christina Aguilera and her big boobies after the jump.

NOTE: If I try hard enough, I'm pretty sure I can come up with a few more words to cross out. Let's, see. Marmalade! I did it! I'm the winner!

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Oct 1 2007Tori Spelling should never do this again – ever

Tori Spelling got to be a Pussycat Doll over the weekend. What in the hell, God? We’ve talked about this before. This is not funny – at all. You think it’s cool to blind people, but, newsflash, it ain’t. Honestly, man, cut this shit out. If I see something like this again, I’ll totally come up there. You might’ve given me these Herculean biceps, but so help me, uh, you, I’m not afraid to smack you around a bit. Aw, okay, that was a bit harsh. You can stop crying. Seriously, it’s okay. All I’m asking is that you put a burlap sack over Tori Spelling’s face whenever she’s out in public. Is that too much to ask? Oh, you can remember to do that if I can remember to take you shopping every once in a while? It never ends with you does it?

Oct 1 2007Eva Longoria has a sex tape

Eva Longoria is the star of a new sex tape that’s hit the web. Apparently it’s only on pay sites, but thanks to the beauty of the internet, it should be free and in my computer by the end of the day. The Sun reports:

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby TONY PARKER.

If this video is real and contains Eva actually looking hot, then Christmas cometh early, my friends. However, if this video has Eva looking like a lawn gnome, which has been known to happen, then this won't be anything new for me. I don't want to get into it, but my grandparents asked me to mow their yard one time when I was really drunk. All I’m saying is that that lawn gnome was asking for it. The way he was dressed and looking at me. I’m only human, dammit!

Oct 1 2007Britney Spears inspires art that's not porn for once

Britney Spears was the subject of over 50 pieces of art at a Hollywood gallery over the weekend. Reuters has the details:

"We reached out to a number of artists and found Britney is such a polarizing character these days," said Steven Corfe, a co-curator of the show with Thairin Smothers. "People absolutely adored her and wanted to celebrate her bubblegum, pop princess years. Or, they thought she was an irresponsible mother or wanted to play up the drug side of things," Corfe added. "The show reflects that whole spectrum." Pieces range from a portrait of the 25-year-old singer, "Gum Blond XLVIII" by Jason Kronenwald, made of chewed bubble gum, to the 6-foot by 10-foot (1.8 by 3.0-metre) "Snake Charmer" by Jamie Boling, based on a paparazzi photo of Britney exiting a car with her skirt hiked up and no panties on.

Eh, this is nothing. I’ve been making Britney-inspired art for years. Hell, just yesterday I shoved two pipe cleaner arms on a Quarter Pounder and threw some glitter on it. I won an award for “Most Life-like Piece of Art Ever.” In fact, when I was driving home with “Brit Royale with Cheese” in the front seat, I was swarmed by paparazzi at a red light. If you start hearing reports about Britney making out with the sexiest man alive, you know what happened. I got hungry. And maybe a tad turned on. I’ve said too much. I don’t want to jinx myself and ruin my first real chance at love.

Oct 1 2007Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are married

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon received a marriage license on Saturday. Pamela had announced a few months ago that she was engaged, but only recently was it revealed to be with Rick Salomon, who once made a sex tape with Paris Hilton. Access Hollywood reports:

Anderson and Salomon have known each other for 15 years, according to Pam, who noted the fact on her Web site blog, this past Thursday. In another posting --on September 26, Anderson wrote that her life was going well and hinted that romance was on the cards, though she did not claim it was with Salomon. “I’m in love,” she posted. “And my work is fun and creative. I’m healthy . . . I’m having the best time in my life.”

Wasn’t Kid Rock hanging out with Paris Hilton not too long ago? Now Pamela Anderson is marrying Rick Salomon. What is there some sort of secret STD society where all the members swap partners? I bet they have matching jackets and decoder rings too. Actually, this sounds like a pretty sweet club. Except for the part where your nads itch until the day you die. That I can live without. But then again they do play Skee-ball every Thursday. Decisions, decisions.

Oct 1 2007Paris Hilton cries on Letterman

If you missed any of this over the weekend, what’s it like to be in a coma? While you think of an answer, here’s what went down: Letterman had Paris Hilton on his show Friday night and basically tore into her with questions about being in jail until Paris broke out the waterworks. People reports:

After facing a continued barrage of jail-related questions, Hilton, who was on the show to promote her new fragrance Can-Can and her upcoming movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera, said, "I don't really want to talk about it anymore." But Letterman would not be swayed. "This is where you and I are different. Because this is all I want to talk about," he said.

As Letterman continued to press, Hilton held up her hand: "I'm going on the next question. I'm over it."

At one point a crowd member yelled, "I love you Paris!" which she answered by saying, "I love you too," and blowing a kiss. Quipped Letterman, "Somebody you met in prison?" Hilton, blushing, shook her head no.

"There's other stuff to talk about Dave," Hilton said. "I didn't come here to talk about this. That was a long time ago."

Finally, after more than six minutes of grilling, Hilton said Letterman was making her "sad that I came here."

I don’t think Paris Hilton understands that going to jail is about the only conversation-worthy thing she’s done in, well, ever. Millionaire heiress had to serve jail-time despite her wealth and undeserved celebrity status. That’s seriously the feel-good event of the year. If John Wayne were alive, he’d actually shed a tear knowing Paris did time. Then he’d say we should “go and hunt some Injuns” and we’d all kind of look around real awkward-like. We could tell him that kind of talk is frowned upon these days. Or we could, I dunno, not get shot. That works too. Especially for me. I try and keep my stomach bullet-free. It’s sort of a quirky little thing I do.

Sep 28 2007Heidi Montag wishes she was on Baywatch

I don't know how, but this site seems to have turned into a tribute page to The Hills. Anyway, everybody's favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she's 60 and looking back on her life she'll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It's such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

Sep 28 2007Heidi Montag is proud to be vapid

Heidi Montag showed up at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood event and proudly displayed the issue in which she basically states that she'd rather die than have small breasts. Amazing. This would be like Britney Spears smiling and holding up the issue of Ok! Magazine that details her coke problem and shoddy parenting skills. Though, to be fair, I hear she does walk around with it and shows it to people. And by people I mean the guy at McDonald’s that makes the fries. He understands her.

Sep 28 2007Mariah Carey thinks people want to look at her

Mariah Carey is extremely serious about her bathroom privacy. She had a few too many drinks at VH1’s Music Cares event and took her bodyguards to the bathroom. Here’s what happened, according to NY Daily News:

Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: "One of the bodyguards said to us, 'If you're going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.'"

Wait, wait, let’s repeat that one more time. “If you’re going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.” Hilarious! There’s no way I can follow a line like that. I’m packing this one in. Bam, sealed, run it. That bodyguard should do stand up. He would kill. Who wants to see Mariah Carey pee? No, actually, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know how many of you are out there. I like to think I’m unique.

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